I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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