Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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