My sheets look like a crime scene.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
