Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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