So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
so much tequila, so little girl.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
