Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
