your room smells of hookers.
And success
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
