I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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