You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
