Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
