I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
