I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
