Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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