I didn't shave. On purpose
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just high enough for therapy.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
