I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
