I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
