My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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