Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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