hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
