i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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