Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
