good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Someone came in the potted fern
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
