Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
