Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
