I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my shit smells like andre
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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