There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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