I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
