She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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