I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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