The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
