I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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