I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Randomize
