I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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