that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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