He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
