We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
She bit a glass in half.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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