Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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