White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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