dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
