She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
