just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
