Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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