well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
