Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
