Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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