Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
