please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
