I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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