Got a toothbrush?
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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