Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
