Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
