I puked a lego.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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