He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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