Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
