I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
