What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
