my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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