My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
