apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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