my phone needs a breathalizer
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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