Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
