My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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