i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
