i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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