Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
