So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
