my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
