one two three fourrrrnication!
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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