Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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